merrily, merrily

so apparently, renewing a vow to start blogging again during finals time? either the best idea EVER (in terms of procrastination) or the WORST (in terms of actually blogging). but hey, this is blog post #2 in, um, a monthish - that's significant improvement over my more recent history. so there.

baby steps, dammit.

but! the good news is i made it through the quarter (whoo!), passed my classes (whoo! again), and am finally on break. well, break-ish, as i'm still working for the first part of each week... till classes start again on the 3rd.

which leaves me in this interesting space of unplanned life, which reminds me that i'm not actually good at unplanned life. i like to be moving and doing and accomplishing - even if it's just random crap like taking mail to the post office or running around green lake.

but then, it bothers me that i can't *not* have a plan. it can change, and that's ok, but i need the plan. which is where my stubbornness comes in, because i need to try and push myself into that uncomfortable place. i know i don't like to be there, i know that i don't do well with discomfort, but that's why i need to practice it. that's why i need to try new things, that's why i need to do the things i'm scared of, that's why i moved out here in the first place.

well, that, and this:

(seattle with the christmas ships, as viewed from gas works, via alex.)

i really, really can't get enough of that view. (just ask alex, he had to watch my gas-works-happy-dance PLUS listening to my singing carols with the seattle girls' choir. he didn't know what he was getting into when i suggested going to see the pretty lit up christmas boats at gas works. heh. thank you, alex :)

remember way back when i decided to move to seattle? when it was new years and they told me that it would be gray and cold and rainy and who would ever want to visit at new years? but i didn't listen. i saw this:


and later, this:

and then we went to gas works, where they told me i could not sit on the structure, and i did not listen to that either.

and then, the city, and the needle. and the mountain (which you can totally almost see behind the city).

i can't believe i existed for so long without these tulips.

not to mention the mountains, the water, the lakes, even the rain. when i flew back into boston, after new years and since, it didn't seem like home in the same way. this, this is home.

(diablo lake, north cascades national forest)

(lake serene, sultan/goldbar-ish area)

(puget sound, from carkeek park)

(cascades near snow lake)

(snow lake)

even if i don't really have a plan about my life (libraries? searching? archives? phd? study what frustrates you? loans? actual-real-person-responsible-so-you-can-survive job? gah.), even if i feel like i'm so bad at following through, and making decisions, and trying to do the things i want to do and be the person i want to be... this is where i want to be figuring that out. and that's a start. and i'm ok with that.

so happy holidays to all! i hope everyone had a holiday full of friends and family and goodness - even if you didn't have the pleasure of awesome borscht and cardamom bread and brandy-glazed ham and guinness cake... mmmm. that's the way to celebrate. (yay for yeasty bread success! joy does not understand the joyousness that comes from successful yeasty breads. it's been a long road to this place.)

so here's to the last week of 2010, kids. 2011 is nearly here - let's make it awesome.

once more, with feeling

so. we're now post-birthday, which means the birthday resolutions have started to form. i meant to actually blog this past year, but that clearly has lived much more in the land of good intentions than, well, reality. i hope it was a nice stay.

for this year, we're going to try some variations on a theme.

in my super sexy data entry job, i get to enter a lot of random data. most of the time, it's numerical coding that means, well, something to someone, somewhere, and not much to me. the last week or so, though, i've been entering goals. which, clearly, makes me think about my own goals at this point. (we won't go into how much i analyzed my own dependent/abusive tendencies during the dependency screens.)

i miss singing, i miss writing. i miss having time and energy to be creative.

i think the key this year will be balance. balance between school and work and life and future life and friends and family and responsibilities and dreams - and not thinking too much in the meantime. or getting overwhelmed. or losing myself and who i want to be. i moved out here to start again and live and love who i want to be... so i'm going to work on being that person that i want to like at the end of each day. and be confident in that person.

ha. yes, this is what happens when you combine birthday resolutions with reading and recording 80 sets of inspirational goal sets :)

so. work on balance. (blog, sing, guitar. finish the damn baby hats.) be confident in myself. (stop being so damn afraid of being wrong.) have trust in my friends and relationships. you know, nothing too big.

let's see where 26 takes us :)

alice in wonderland

i was recently reminded that, in high school, sometime in the first week of every month, we used to designate a theme for that month. the month of violent reactions, the month of... i can't even remember. nauseousness? (karwa, do you remember?)

october 09? the month of crap.
november 09? the month that thankfully heralded the END of the month of crap. not much better.
december 09? i don't even want to go there.

and now it's 2010. the quotes that i've started the year with?

"everyone has a right to be a little happy, asshole." (lady sky, last night on twisted river)

and

"One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. “Which road do I take?” she asked. “Where do you want to go?” was his response. “I don’t know,” Alice answered. “Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter." (alice in wonderland)


ok, what does that mean for the theme this year? here's what i've gotten so far:

you have a right to be happy: pursue happiness. but if you don't know where exactly you want to go, it really doesn't matter which path you take. stop worrying so much about being right all the time.

ok so i don't know exactly how to apply these themes, BUT - i'll take comfort in the reminder. and i'm starting over. eat better. exercise more. (will i be ready to run half-marathon in october? yessir.) create, every day.

here's to 2010.